In the Name of the King 2

Beth: "I will mentally keep the time" is a phrase i have got use in the future

So, this was my idea: Uwe Boll's work is notoriously bad, and Dungeon Siege was the first video game I ever beat because it was pretty, (rather than good). I was curious to see how he'd mess up such bland material. We discovered the original, along with two sequels. Bee thought we should watch all three, so I figured we could watch them in order... but Dolph Lundgren starred in the sequel, and by our calculations Dolph Lundgren > Jason Statham (from the original), and I didn't even recognize the star of the third installment. So we started with the second movie. I figured, if nothing else, that watching Santa Baby 2 without context had been hilarious, and the rule might extend to other horrible franchises.

It was... not good, exactly, but a very solid B-movie. Lundgren is consistently amusing as a fish out of water. He spends a good portion of the movie complaining about all the illnesses he's going to get in the Time Before Pasteurization, going so far as to reject an offer of chicken, try to get out of drinking and avoiding the affection of the first comely wench to throw herself at him. And, speaking of comely wenches, fully half the women in the film come across as well rounded characters. The female lead doesn't - she's probably the weakest link in the film - but it's still pretty amazing for both the genre and the director.

The film's ending features several twists that are internally consistent, and a competently executed CGI dragon. It all hangs together reasonably well. I could actually tell you what was going on at almost any point in the movie.

I don't want to give the impression this is a good movie, of course: the faux-medieval dialogue is right out of a LARP, (and I should know, I've attended some), but it's an order of magnitude better than I expected from Uwe Boll, and it's entirely watchable. All Bee and I could guess was that maybe Mirror Universe Uwe Boll has replaced our original, and seeks to undo the wrongs of his doppelganger. We're going to watch the other two next to see if there's a progression of quality, or if this was just a crazy accident.

Anyway, it's late, and I'm still trying to get over giving this thing 3 stars on Netflix, so I guess that's it for my analysis. More after we watch the others.

Z Nation, S1E01-02

Best Bee quote: "yes but the world zombie is yucky. your grandma says you call them puppies and kittens"

So, we watched the first couple episodes of Z Nation today, the Asylum's answer to The Walking Dead. As I'm sure anybody reading this knows, The Asylum has a long history of low quality knockoffs, but it is my opinion that Z Nation rises somewhat above that and is a genuinely fun experience on its own, rather than a bargain basement trap for people who can't buy or pirate the real thing.

The first detail I noticed was that it avoided the most overused zombie opening: showing the breakdown of society. Z Nation's flashback opening takes place two years later, while the body of the show begins three years after civilization fell. Unfortunately, due to constraints on budget and, frankly, writing talent, this has a very Cosy Catastrophe feel: there's still bullets, people still drive cars. Even so, they explore the ramifications a little bit. Society now practices euthanasia on the sick and dying, and refers to both that and the practice of killing zombies 'giving mercy.' Society has also broken down into small enclaves that appear to be socially stable, which actually puts it ahead of The Walking Dead TV show at the moment. That was all pretty cool.

Also on the good side, a few characters stand out:

• Warren. Warren is smart, capable and brave, without feeling like a token character. (Her abilities and mindset feel reasonable within the context of the show.)
• Doc. The old guy is a decent, caring guy, willing to sacrifice himself for his friends... but his first appearance had him offering home cooked meth for bullets. I love the practicality there, and he - like Warren - seems like just the sort of person I'd want to be caught in an apocalypse with.
• Murphy. Humanity's 'last, best hope' is hilariously cowardly and corrupt. He's very obviously their Gilligan, but the show had the decency to offer an in-universe reason why they can't just shoot him or ditch him.

I'm not really sold on the rest, and certainly not so early in. In particular, 'Citizen Z' is super annoying, and Bee referred to Garnett as 'Bargain Basement John C. Reilly' a lot.

Also, lest I sound like I am heaping praise upon this: the camera work is atrocious. Whoever was doing that couldn't keep the camera steady - it's obvious they were moving around a lot during scenes, on foot, without any kind of stabilization. The intro graphics are ludicrous - in Bee's words, "High school Power Point." The writing is clunky, the SFX are terrible, and the musical choices are extremely questionable.

Even so, it's a big step forward for The Asylum. I liked this way better than Sharknado, for instance. (I think part of that is that the show is pretty dark, while Sharknado was trying to be a feel good movie. Z Nation has the guts to ice a bunch of children in the pilot.)

A few other random observations:

• The first episode features a zombie baby right out of Minecraft: somehow, being killed gave the baby the speed and strength to pose a serious threat to a whole group of armed people, (including three trained soldiers).
• Zombies seem to cause radio interference. Between the baby and this, I have concluded that they are radioactive, like Spiderman.
• This show is better than The Strain, and not by a small margin.

GI Joe:Retaliation

Best John quip: "In killing my babysitter, you've promoted yourself to new babysitter."

We watched GI Joe: Retaliation today, which turned out to be a delightfully bad movie. This movie had all the elements to succeed as a great movie: a huge production budget, well known and talented cast, and most importantly, a culturally embedded brand that had a vague cannon. 

This movie had the same magical combination that allowed Pirates of the Caribbean to flourish, but this installment in the GI Joe series (much to our delight) randomly imploded under the added weight of new characters a third of the way into the movie. The movie had started strong by focusing on the friendship between the wrestler The Rock and his partner. It might seem strange, but I have quite a bit of respect for Dwayne Johnson. It was clear that between this movie and The Scorpion King that the Rock has really advanced in his acting skills. He seems to have tamed the overblown stage acting required for wrestling theater and he is now able to drawn on the same easygoing nature that John Candy or John Goodman possess that is so appealing. Dwayne and his partner Duke, played by Channing Tatum, had a really nice chemistry that made the writing seem better than it was. Sadly, Tatum's character was killed in a sudden attack and the movie's narrative took a turn for the worse. 

The opening credits had summarized the events of the last movie, but suddenly the movie shifted to  a subplot never before discussed.  It became abundantly clear during this plot shift (which was more than borderline racist) in Asian scene that the underlying structure of the writing had dissolved into a wet, balled up tissue. There was this sudden need to flesh out the entire cast of characters was executed very poorly. The scene in which the only female GI Joe- Jayne- discusses her decision to join the military because of her deceased chauvinistic father all takes place while she is undressing in front of another Joe. 

Eww. 

But nothing trumps the Asian sequences in lack of good taste.  The put on accents, the traditional Chinese music that must play if a shot is in Asia, the poor choice of supporting cast... The Old Blind Master is played by a very young man in very terrible makeup with a very heavy American slurring accent. These scenes were clearly an effort to engage us in this feud between the ninja community, but the production value and direction was so forced it felt like someone splicing another movie in . It was at this point as well that the spatial dimensions of the movie also became permanently disjointed for the rest of the movie.  It was difficult, impossible during fight scenes, to understand where anyone was in relation to each other both in scene and in location. No location names were offered. The last 30 minutes of the movie ( I know this exactly because I had an incoming call) dissolved into utter chaos. At least five separate fight scenes raged on, but I could not tell you where they were or who was fighting who. 

And then there was Bruce Willis.

John and I aren't sure what the circumstances where such that Bruce Willis was in the movie, but his every appearance brought peals of laughter from both of us. Willis's entrance is reminiscent of  Woody Harrelson's character in Management. Bruce Willis says his "lines", and I say that loosely because they often seemed out of conflict and inappropriate with whatever conversation was going on at the time while the rest of the cast looked genuinely confused, on auto pilot. 

When the surviving Joes approach the original Joe (Willis) for help, he attacks them first.... then blandly states he knows who they are. Well, he knows all of them except Jayne, who he calls Barbara even after she declares pretty firmly that is not her name. Willis in this scene is just treats her like garbage for no apparent payout or reason. I mean, she is an elite warrior in a group named after him. That should mean she is amazing right? Later, in what really feels like an attempt to right the sins of that scene so audiences don't go home thinking Willis is jerk, the end features a moment in when the Willis is rewarding the Joes with medals and he calls her by her full name. He then explains that he fought with her father and reassures her that her father would be proud. 

We were also very delighted by his house in the movie, which stuffed to the gill with deadly weapons (grenades in the fruit bowl!), and both expressed the hope that it really was his home and he just invited them to a single day shooting of shooting one takes, and they were forced to edit the best they could manage with those shots. 

GI Joe: Retaliation is a pretty great terrible movie in the Frankenstein category. Just as soon as you think you have it figured out- it gets more perplexing because the pieces don't match.  Elements like the movie's showing no blood (a testament to the cartoon?) and Duke is killed by bomb but his corpse looks like he died in his sleep start the movie but by the end of the movie you see the usual bloody, mangled corpses. This disunity keeps it very amusing till about the last 30 minutes when it is just shooting and running and jumping from one unknown location to the next, but that is a minor sin. Honestly- the cast really held the turkey together- John mentioned many of them are now in Agents of Shield (which he says is pretty good). 

LINK: HOUSE FULL OF GUNS 

Avatar: The Last Airbender

John's best quip: "We think he might be avatarded, though."

I want to make it clear: Avatar: The Last Airbender the cartoon is really really really really well done. Characters, both good and bad, are richly layered and interesting. Story plots are engaging, and the art is very well done. I had heard horror stories about this movie, and I am not sure why I was so eager to see a bastardized version of something I really enjoyed.

I could forgive the movie being bad, if there had been nothing to build from. But they had a very stable, solid framework that was completely bypassed, and this is the saddest aspect of them all. Comparable to neglecting blueprints for a well made house to use only relative measurements to build a sod house of shit.

The actors were also very poorly cast and directed. All the characters played against any endearing qualities we might have enjoyed, or even any joy.

Why Nickelodeon decided to present such a somber affair is beyond me.

At least it was pretty to look at.

Red Riding Hood

pooor almo draft house.

i am in the state of texas, and was taken to the almo draft house, a really neat theater that serves you food during the movie. really, really good food that covers the bad taste of this poor, poor movie.

movie makers i think sometimes have this problem where they have really major movies going on, and they make another movie on the side with their attentions divided unequally. visually, the movie can be pretty stunning. everything else.....

it goes from summer to winter in a day, the main character constantly pulls a knife on the wrong people, the acting was stiff.....

if you like bad movies, wait till it shows up on netflicks.

Management

John's best quip:

She's a saint.

Our Lady of the Burger King.

runner up:

Jennifer Anniston only boinks the mad.

watching this movie is watching the beginning of "quirky", but instead of very skillfully constructed quilt such as the royal tenenbaums, this movie more a very large blanket pieced together with hair, teeth, and magazine pictures with the eyes gouged out on a mental ward.

i think the film makers wanted to show at absolute love, a love that would go anywhere. instead, we are treated to a love that at best, seems like it was held back a year for eating wall "candy." maybe it would have worked, had the main actor (a definitive "hey its that guy") not taking manly acting cues from sling blade.

okie. so that's acceptable. boy meets girl at work, follows her to her homestate, then goes back home. movie should end with girl realizing boy is for her, and happily ever after.

oh no, this movie gives us meth teeth woody harrison who goes by the moniker jango. an ex punk who owns an upscale mansion in washington state while looking and maintaining friends who look like skinheads.

after various parachuting, romantic warbling of 'i feel like making love" outside a house, father son bonding, volleyball with monks, the movie finally ends in a predictable way.

maybe this is big in france?

Management

[1:20 PM] Beth: seriously
[1:20 PM] Beth: how the fuck can we explain this
[1:20 PM] Beth: you cant

... I am here to try to explain the film Management, but the truth is, Bee is correct. I can't find even a single thread of sanity within it. I will instead offer a few of the highlights:

When Mike (Zahn) and Sue (Anniston) meet at the beginning, she goes to stay at the motel he works at. He weasels his way in with a bottle of wine he claims is complimentary for all guests, then begins aggressively pestering her about where she works, lives, etc. On the second night, he tries it again with champagne and she asks him, flat out, if this ever works. He says, "... Not really." She asks him what would constitute it 'working': if he wants to have sex, touch her butt, whatever.

Mike says that touching her butt would work, so she says he may, as long as he leaves right after. Sue then bends right over on the nightstand and presents her ass. He sticks his hand on it and they share a long, uncomfortable moment talking about her work. Then she kicks him out.

She goes to leave... then, inexplicably, stops, turns around, and has sex with him in the laundry room. Then she leaves again, wishy washy about whether she'll come back.

Mike begins your standard rom-com stalkerfest: he calls her drunkenly, then buys a one way plane ticket to her city and accosts her at work.

Except it turns really weird.

Their attempts to make Sue all saintly range from over the top to bizarre:

• She's fixated on recycling, actively complaining about her inability to recycle a wine bottle. (Stock)
• Takes pains to point out the energy efficient light bulbs in her home. (Stock, I think.)
  
• She hands out Burger King vouchers to the homeless. This is actually one of the movie's only funny moments: not even the homeless guys want the BK veggie burger. (WTF)
• Her mom 'sells insurance to the deaf.' (WTF)
  

Mike's antics also move from stock rom-com to... just what the heck:

• Writes her bad poetry. (Stock.)
• Shows up outside her window and plays terrible music. (Sadly stock.)
• Gets a wacky Asian sidekick to help him out. (Shame on you, movie. But sadly stock.)
  
• Puts up missing person posters for her when she moves, and he can no longer stalk her effectively. (Creepy weird.)
• Parachutes into her fiance's house. (WTF)
• Becomes a Buddhist monk when she finally rejects him. (WTF)
  

Also, the rival for Sue's affections, Jango (Woody Harrelson, obviously enjoying himself)

• Is an 'ex punk' who is now an organic yogurt magnate (WTF)
  
• When Mike parachutes into their pool, Jango fires a BB assault rifle at Mike. He refuses to stop when Sue gets in the way, even managing to wing her. It was a display of very Woody style madness. (WTF)
  
• Puts on a glove, quite carefully, before headbutting Mike later (ROFL)
  

So... yeah.

In closing, I don't know what to say about this movie, and that means it earns the coveted rating of WTF++.