Gor

Best John Quip: "

Man, I hope when I die, I go to cliche S&M fantasy heaven."

Oh Gor!

If you don't already know, Gor is much like the Scientology except with getting scanned, ladies are sex slaves on a desert planet run by barbarian men. The only reason that this isn't a full blown religion is that the author didn't tote it as such, but believe you me the whole premise is as wacky as Scientology and could have easily become a dogma.

But I digress, let's get to the movie. So Tarl Cabot is living a miserable human life being a wimpy physics professor who spends all of class talking about Gor. Students openly mock him, but I suspect no one reports this abuse of education because it's a fairly decent chunk of college credit. No less than six mullets in the room either. He gushes on and on about his ring covered in used chewing gum to everyone, which gets him dumped before holiday by his girlfriend. She doesn't do much except exclaim," OH TARL," constantly until the cool hunky chemistry professor comes to take her away in his jeep.

Tarl heads up to the cabin dejected while it fucking hurricanes outside and makes the poor choice of taking off his glasses to drive, the first of his poor choices but certainly not the last. Like a kamikaze Lindsey Lohen, he barrels into a tree and is probably dying.

Tarl wakes up in a desert and after admiring his blow pop ring, watches from the outside as some very nicely three tiered equipped warriors attack villagers. The fight continues until one warrior woman steals a horse and begins to ride in Tarl's direction, which at this point Tarl decides the best course of action is to jump in front of her. What was he trying to do, one would ponder? Steal the horse? Save her? Tell her about Jesus? Tarl never explains this curious course of action. Ironically, this skilled warrior woman falls off her horse and they are both immediately captured. While Tarl starts on his domino effect of fucking up the lives of every person around him, the baddies are stealing a giant pale raspberry that I guess is important. Dried snot of the Elder Gods? I dunno, but it is important.

So after Tarl and the lady are being lead away, the son of the Baddie Leader comes up and is killed because he was in the same proximity as Tarl. Another warrior falls under the aurora of horrible that Tarl exudes while the good village people help un-capture them? The village people take away his pants and fit him with a custom leather diaper thong and decide he is worth keeping around.

Trained by a mulleted Jason Marsden, Tarl is berated constantly for good reason.

They then all leave for the desert to rescue Warrior Woman's father and the pale holy

raspberry.

In the desert they are attacked, because Tarl was on watch duty. Yes, the only thing the man

had to do was watch for danger and he failed at that. Losing supplies, they head into the nearest town.

They have to tie up the warrior woman so it would appear she was a slave.

Who is entrusted with her care?

Tarl. Of course, this means he tells the whole bar their plans and gets into a bar brawl with the

meanest Master around, who forces the warrior woman to fight his slave girl.

Our warrior lady wins, but this isn't the last we will see of that Master.

Mostly because five minutes from then, he attacks them in the desert.

The movie gets really fuzzy for me around then, I only remember somehow they escape and

get to the city ofMcBaddy.

McBaddy has got it all. Slave girls in Princess Leia costumes, Nubian princesses with

currency super glued on their nipples, and massive plates of boar meat. Somehow they get

captured AGAIN, and McBaddy decides that Tarl is the right person to fill for his dead son.

He offers him theattentions of 80's back up dancer who knows nothing under his intense questioning.

Tarl doesn't wastetime asking the lady where his friends are, but she only knows of sensual arts

so he just asks her the same question over and over again. McBaddy decides that Tarl was

easily won over by vapid slave women, he then hands Tarl a red hot poker to brand the

Warrior Woman, which Tarl uses the opportunity to brand the king. This causes a major ruckus,

and Tarl and Warrior Woman are able to free all the enslaved prisoners.

They even get the holy pale Raspberry and it looks like things are going to work out.

Things are going to be okay. HAHA, yeah right audience!

Since it is Tarl we are dealing with, of course they are captured. Expendable Slave Girl

is thrown into a massive fire pit while Tarl decides what to do. Using his impressive bow skills,

he shots an arrow into the neck of the McBaddy who then falls into the bbq of the gods.

Tarl and the others rejoice, and return to the home city.

This is where the movie gets weird. In less than five minutes left to the end of the movie,

the movie's sense of plot goes apeshit. While not a great movie, the movie went into

mostly reasonable patterns. The flow made sense.One would expect Tarl and

Warrior Woman stay in Gor, free to love and spread freedom.

This is not what happens. A weirdo priest approaches them and says he was sent to guard the

mystic pale raspberry,and while Warrior Woman is concerned, Tarl shrugs his shoulder

and could not give less of a shit.

Tarl then, after promising Warrior Woman a cabin and warm clothes, goes back to his shitty

professor job without her. He attempts to talk to his ex, while her new beau mocks him.

He then punches the bastard which leads into..

JACK PALANCE BEING UBER CREEPY.

Unfortunately, this is what one would expect from Gor. Jack has a way of saying

"supple slave girl" that wouldmake the hardiest of greasy porn dealers shudder.

He says in a manner that makes one thinkhe rubbed vaseline on his lips in preparation.

He then goes to say that he has master plans to be king, and only one man can ruin those plans.

Tarl.

Which does not surprise me in the least and sets up for another movie in this ridiculous S&M fantasy.

-bee