Best John Quip: "
Man, I hope when I die, I go to cliche S&M fantasy heaven."
If you don't already know, Gor is much like the Scientology except with getting scanned, ladies are sex slaves on a desert planet run by barbarian men. The only reason that this isn't a full blown religion is that the author didn't tote it as such, but believe you me the whole premise is as wacky as Scientology and could have easily become a dogma.
But I digress, let's get to the movie. So Tarl Cabot is living a miserable human life being a wimpy physics professor who spends all of class talking about Gor. Students openly mock him, but I suspect no one reports this abuse of education because it's a fairly decent chunk of college credit. No less than six mullets in the room either. He gushes on and on about his ring covered in used chewing gum to everyone, which gets him dumped before holiday by his girlfriend. She doesn't do much except exclaim," OH TARL," constantly until the cool hunky chemistry professor comes to take her away in his jeep.
Tarl heads up to the cabin dejected while it fucking hurricanes outside and makes the poor choice of taking off his glasses to drive, the first of his poor choices but certainly not the last. Like a kamikaze Lindsey Lohen, he barrels into a tree and is probably dying.
Tarl wakes up in a desert and after admiring his blow pop ring, watches from the outside as some very nicely three tiered equipped warriors attack villagers. The fight continues until one warrior woman steals a horse and begins to ride in Tarl's direction, which at this point Tarl decides the best course of action is to jump in front of her. What was he trying to do, one would ponder? Steal the horse? Save her? Tell her about Jesus? Tarl never explains this curious course of action. Ironically, this skilled warrior woman falls off her horse and they are both immediately captured. While Tarl starts on his domino effect of fucking up the lives of every person around him, the baddies are stealing a giant pale raspberry that I guess is important. Dried snot of the Elder Gods? I dunno, but it is important.
So after Tarl and the lady are being lead away, the son of the Baddie Leader comes up and is killed because he was in the same proximity as Tarl. Another warrior falls under the aurora of horrible that Tarl exudes while the good village people help un-capture them? The village people take away his pants and fit him with a custom leather diaper thong and decide he is worth keeping around.
Trained by a mulleted