Bee's best quip: "This song, I will play at my child's bar mitzvah."
For a little background: Bee and I have been watching bad movies together for a little while now. It all started when I found a copy of Heil Honey, I'm Home online, and she, in her madness, insisted we actually view it.
It was fun, so here we are, making this a regular event. :)
This week's pain started with Thug Love, the story of a simple woman named Destiny. A... very simple woman. She begins the movie with a repetitive, delusional monologue to her therapist about how she and her husband are working things out, but she's upset because she needs to "make an appointment to see him."
She repeats this same monologue a number of times, both to other characters and to her teddy bear. No change, nothing. It's like she was reading it off a teleprompter or something.
Not long after, we meet her husband and his lawyer at Subway, like Bee mentioned. He berates her for being late and wasting his time, then offers a long tirade about how she owes everything she has to him, even her job. The same speech is repeated verbatim every time we see him, too.
Then we find out that not only has he met her in a Subway, his lawyer doesn't even have the divorce papers to serve her. He'll "have them ready in a few days." To his credit, the lawyer looks a little embarrassed to be there. He's also the best part of the scene later. When Destiny is relating the tale of what happened to her friends, (including the cringeworthy token white girl), she complains about how her husband "embarrassed her in front of the white man."
Somewhere in here, around the twenty minute mark, we're treated to flashbacks to these same scenes, putting her husband's abusive dialogue into slo-mo, to make him sound extra demonic.
Destiny then meets Troy, a young man who claims he is a 'photographer,' and wants to 'take pictures of her beautiful smile.' She brushes him off because she's a "married woman," despite her Subway divorce.
Sometime later, she's interviewing a bunch of crazy characters: a stereotypically gay black man, a pair of awful rappers, a stoic guy who says nothing, a man with a Confederate flag tattoo on his back (heritage, not hate, like Bee said), and a man with either an invisible friend or split personality...
First, we find out that she's interviewing for the position of office manager at her high powered international advertising firm.
Even better, Troy arrives. He didn't have her name or number, and he admits he isn't qualified for the job, so the only way he could've known about it is if he were stalking her pretty effectively. She misses that part, but points out that he's not qualified to be an office manager, (not like a pair of bad rappers). He counters by claiming he wants to interview for *her* position. She agrees to give him his five minutes, and he offers her some weak thing about how he will "buy her surprise presents."
Somehow, this escalates to the 'clothes on' sex scenes Bee was complaining about, including them doing it right in an alley. She even goes with him to a drug fueled party and has sex in front of a lady we speculated might be a voodoo priestess.
Destiny still attempts to reconcile with her husband one more time, even though they're both happily seeing other people, and he insists on divorcing her before the eyes of Jared.
Despite that, she invites Troy to a high powered business meeting at her boss' house. The movie takes a turn for the weird, here: Troy goes from 'kind of smooth' to '12 years old,' rifling through the house for a liquor cabinet, complaining about the lack of mac'n'cheese at a party, and hating his sharp new suit. Destiny gets weirdly 'angry mom' on him, creating this... just disturbing cradle-robbing vibe.
Shortly thereafter, we find out that Troy has been using her as his "sugar momma," and has a real girlfriend, who approves of him screwing around with Destiny to make some money.
Destiny dumps him, and ends up at a church, where a woman who calls herself "Miss Sinclaire," (this is 'Jessica Sinclaire's Thug Love"), assures her that she will find a strong man and be happy again.
So she dumps her husband, is promoted despite bringing her 'thug lover' to a party and nearly ruining a big account, and... we, the audience, learn nothing except that a woman is nothing without her man or men or voodoo orgies.
Kudos, movie guys.